From the international bus station, we took a city bus to get all the way to our homes. My traveling partner had already gotten off the bus, so I was solo. I was sitting in the back. My bus stop was approaching, and people started heading to the back door. As the bus actually stopped and I tried to get off, I realized that the people who were in front of the door were not planning on getting off. I started shoving me way towards the door as the bus started moving with the door still open. A man grabbed my arm, thinking I was falling, but in a panic to exit, I tore myself from his grasp and jumped off the bus.
The bus was going much faster than I thought it was, and even though I planted my feet on even ground, the rest of my body immediately met the ground, with my head finishing the fall. Two men at a nearby newspaper stand had me sit down. Sure, my head hurt, but I knew where I was and my vision was fine and I could even speak Spanish, so I got up and walked the last few minutes to my house.
Over the next few days, I experienced symptoms like headaches, neck pain, heavy eyelids, and dilated pupils. Every time I lay down to try to rest, I would think about how idiotic it was that I actually jumped off. Every time I replayed the moment in my head, I got so angry with myself. How could I be so naive to think that I could jump off a moving bus?! How could I be so impulsive that I could not simply wait until the next stop?! Over time, I saw the symptoms come, and I saw them go, and I realized that God had protected me in a significant way. I know I should have been much more injured than I was. My symptoms were not even intense enough that I had to miss any ministry. I am left now with only bruising (thankfully, I fell backward instead of forward, Amen?!).
My worst fear is head injuries. I am afraid of killing brain cells, not being able to think as quickly or as sharply, and honestly becoming stupider. I am afraid of forgetting how to speak, how to play the music, who my friends are, or who I am.
This head injury has finished teaching me a lesson that I thought I had already finished learning. My identity is found in Christ alone. I knew that if we put our hope and identity in anything of this world, we are sure to feel disappointed, lost, and purposeless (I remember that place in my life before I put my faith in Christ). Where should my identity be found? In my outgoing personality? In my athleticism? In my musical abilities? In my appearance? I can lose any of those things at any moment. I knew this when it came to a degree, a job, a relationship, a social status, or appearance. However, I did not include the gifts God has given me. I primarily define myself as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, but I also defined myself as someone who loves to play music and sports and is always up for meeting new people and trying new things. The Lord has given me everything I have and has made me who I am. But His gifts of my abilities and personality are just that: gifts! He can give and take His gifts as He pleases.
John 1:12 says, "Yet to all who did receive [Jesus], to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God." My identity should solely be found in the eternal title of God's daughter, an heiress to His Kingdom. What an epic identity. And what better place can my identity be? If I genuinely believe that 2 Corinthians 12:9 is true and "[His] grace is sufficient for [me]", I do not need to fear losing anything else. I do not need to fear losing my money, my family, my health, my abilities, or my memory.
To be honest, this head injury has taught me a lot more. It has reminded me that I have such a hard time being served and an even harder time forgiving myself and my sin. I am really grateful for how God has used this unique circumstance to help me grow in closer relationship with Him. Please pray that I continue to seek God in every hardship I experience here.
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